- http://www.visitor-tracking.com/pm-jokes.php

 - http://www.umsl.edu/~sauterv/analysis/random_analysis_thoughts.html#pm

The Genie

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

 - http://www.workjoke.com/projoke27.htm

 - http://www.asapm.org/asapmag/m_millstones2.asp

A Prayer for the Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had
to kill today because they got on my nerves.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the feet I may have
to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and
only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

 - http://www.visitor-tracking.com/pm-jokes.php

A project manager was out walking in the countryside one day when a frog called out to him. He bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog called out again, saying, "If you kiss me I shall turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week as your mistress." The project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. The frog called out once more, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for as long as you wish and do absolutely anything that you want". Again the Project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back. Finally, the frog demanded, "What's the matter? You can turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for ever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" to which the project manager replied, "Understand, I'm a project manager. I simply don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog ....... that's cool."

 - http://www.businessballs.com

Meetings - The practical alternative to work!

 - http://www.rogerdarlington.co.uk/meeting.html

• It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
• Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
• You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
• At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
• The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situatee.
• A problem shared is a buck passed.
• A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would melt anyway when heat is applied.
• A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more.
• Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
• What you don't know hurts you.
• There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it
• again.
• The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
• I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
• What is not on paper has not been said.
• A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
• If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
• If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
• Feather and down are padding, changes and contingencies will be real events.
• There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
• The more you plan the luckier you get.
• A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
• Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
• If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
• Everyone asks for a strong project manger - when they get one, they don't want one. Overtime is a figment of the naive project manager's imagination.
• Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance.
• The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
• Metrics are learned men's excuses.
• For a project manager, overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
• Some projects finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
• Fast - cheap - good - you can have any two.
• There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
• The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
• A two-year project will take three years; a three-year project will never finish.
• When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
• A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well-planned project only twice as long as expected.
• Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
• Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
• There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
• A project gets a year late one day at a time.
• If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
• No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirements.
• Yours won't be the first to.
• Activity is not achievement.
• Managing IT people is like herding cats.
• If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
• If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
• The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
• The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
• The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
• Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.

 - http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=795

Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.

 - http://www.ahajokes.com/bus030.html

Project Manager Performance Appraisal Performance Factors Far Exceeds Requirements Exceeds Requirements Meets Requirements Needs some Improvement Does not meet Requirements Quality Leaps tall buildings with a single bound Needs a running start to leap tall buildings Can only leap small buildings Crashes into buildings Cannot recognise buildings Timeliness Is faster than a bullet Is as fast as a bullet Not quite as fast as a bullet Is as fast as a slow bullet Wounds self with gun Initiative Is stronger than a locomotive Is stronger than a bull elephant Is stronger than a bull Shoots the bull Smells like a bull Adaptability Walks on water consistently Walks on water in emergencies Washes with water Drinks water Passes water in emergencies Communication Talks with God Talks with Angels Talks to self Argues with self Loses those arguments
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